A friend of mine said I should write more of my own material instead of sharing that of others. That’s not easy for me to do. I’m trying though. Something else that is not easy for me to do is accepting the love of others, and believing that others can love me just for me. That’s hard to admit too. I know that I’m not the only one who suffers from low esteem if that’s what you want to call it. Not feeling good about oneself is a condition that I know many people share with me. The causes may vary as to what brought our condition on, but the result is the same. In truth, if I were to live my life based solely on what I feel I would probably not be long for this world. There are a good many moments in my life when I don’t feel like I’m loved or have much worth. My worth has always come from what I do, not from who I am. Doing has always been much easier for me than being. If you’ve read my about page, or been following me for awhile you know something of my story. There’s a lot more to tell, but telling isn’t easy, and sometimes I don’t. The telling of certain things brings back things that are just too painful to bear. In case you don’t know, I’m one of those who partially subscribe to the theory that it’s better to let sleeping dogs lie. Ask me how that fits into my being a Christian, and all I can tell you is that I’m working on it, and therein may be a part of the problem.
It’s hard to go from an “earning” mentality to an “allowing” and “receiving” mentality. I was blessed as a child in that I had two people who loved me so much I could not have asked for anything more from them. They loved me unconditionally. Then I had someone else who could not, would not, and wouldn’t you know that was the one person I wanted more than anything to love me. It never happened. It didn’t happen then, and I know now that it will never happen….. It’s one thing to know something intellectually, to know it’s truth, to be able to see the evidence, to be able to weigh its’ impact on one’s life, but it’s quite another to know something in your heart, to feel it, to be able to grasp it and hold on to it, to be able to count on it, and love it, and know it without having a single thought that it exists. It’s just there.
I’ve seen that in other people. I know that people write songs, poems, and books about it. I’ve seen people act silly over it. I know that other people feel it. It! You know the great “it” that makes the world go round and round and round. Of course, the “it” I’m referring to is the great thing we call “love.” In truth, I’ve always been a little confused when it comes to love being a feeling and love being a decision. The feeling part of love hasn’t worked out so well for me, but over the last 13 years or so it’s improved. The decision part has been a lot better, but there have been struggles there, too.
There are times when I (quote) “feel” that I’m damaged beyond repair. Funny thing for a Christian to say, I know. You should try thinking it, and dealing with the conflicting thoughts and emotions that come with it. There have been times when I’ve thought that I’m an emotional cripple, unable to love, or experience love in the traditional sense. In some ways, I still “feel” that way.
I haven’t gotten over that need to do, to try, to work, to earn everything I have and want. Try living with that in the midst of your walk with Christ. Knowing on one hand that I can’t “work” or “earn” my salvation, and yet, on the other, not being able to “feel” that I don’t need to in order to have it. When it comes right down to it, I struggle mightily in the faith department, having faith that God can even love someone like me, after all the things I’ve done. And, don’t think for a minute, that I haven’t done some “awful” and “horrible” things because I have….
This is where “feeling” and “knowing” become very important. If I had to “feel” like I’m saved in order to be saved, I’d be lost for sure, and there would be no hope. That’s just the truth. If I had to depend on what I felt I would not be here. Thank God, He doesn’t say a single word about “feeling” in relation to salvation. Unfortunately, that does not let me completely off the hook though in my life’s journey and walk with my Lord and Savior. I still struggle with believing that God loves me, still struggle in thinking that I’m deserving of His love. Notice I said deserving of His love, and not deserve His love. I don’t nor does anyone deserve God’s love, but when we believe and have faith in the fact that Christ died for our sins and took our place on the cross, that, and only that, makes us deserving of God’s love.
Do I believe in God? Absolutely. Do I believe His son, Jesus Christ, took my sins upon himself and died on the cross for my sins? Absolutely. Do I believe that God loves me? Yes, I believe that. Do I feel like God loves me? Do I feel like Jesus Christ could love me enough to die for me? Do I feel like the “Holy Spirit” guides my life? Well….. Thank God, I don’t have to rely on my feelings.
wayneaugden 