A Thought on Struggling

As is my usual habit of an evening, I was going through my e-mail, and reading the posts of those I’ve subscribed to.  There’s quite a few.  Tonight there were three that spoke to me.  Let me rephrase there were three that God used in a special way to speak to me.  The order in which I read them is not the order He used in speaking to me through them, but leave it to God to speak to me in a way that got my attention.  The three posts were (not in order) God Sees YouGrace Is The Only Thing That Delivers Human Beings From Evil, and What Does God Got To Do With Me?  All three of them are great, but together, they reveal a message that cannot be given enough as far as I’m concerned.  At least given to me!

As you know, I’ve been trying to write more of my own feelings, and about myself.  Hard to do.  Yet, I’m beginning to understand that it’s something I need to do.  In case you didn’t know I tend to be mule-headed, intensely stubborn, and therefore most of the time the lessons I learn tend to be very painful.  It pains me to say that some of them I’ve had to repeat, but to say or imply that I’ve learned all my lessons the first time around would be a lie, and I try to be honest.

You know that I struggle in my walk with the Lord.  I haven’t made any secret of it.  I don’t know how smart it is to confess to others that my faith is weaker than what I want for it to be, but since I’ve never laid claim to being smart,  I can at least hold my head high in the sense that I’m maintaining my integrity.  If I were to confess a couple of the incredibly stupid things I’ve done over the last couple of weeks you would most certainly shake your head.  Believe me I’ve been shaking mine, and I did them!  I’d tell you what they were, but right now they’re still stinging pretty good, and it’s going to take a little time for me to let them go.  Notice I mentioned “me” letting them go.  I’ve confessed them, and I know that God has already let them go.  Here’s where I make a confession (since it seems I’m in the mood for making one) I have a hard time letting go of mistakes.  I tend to keep punishing myself for them.  I’ve often thought what an insult it is to God that I act as if what He sent His son, Jesus, to do for me isn’t enough.  I do.  I just have to keep reminding myself of it. I’m praying the day will come when I don’t remind myself anymore……

Sometimes, it seems to me, as if I’m full of contradictions!  I’d be lying if I said I never felt like a hypocrite because I have.  There’s an old saying that goes the things you hate most in other people are the things you have inside of yourself.  I can see the truth in those words.  I hate lying, hate it with a passion, hate stealing, lying, cheating, dishonesty in all it’s forms, and yes, I’ve been dishonest in every single way possible.  I don’t say this because I’m proud of it.  I say it because it’s true.  What I wouldn’t give to be able to say that I’m not guilty of even one of those things…… I’m not going to be able to say that, but I’m comforted in the knowledge that I’m going to have someone say it for me.  That is essentially what Jesus did for me, did He not?

The thing that saddens me, grieves my heart, is the fact that to this day, this very day, after having been a Christian many, many years, I still struggle with “Knowing” this in my heart.  There are days when I still “wonder” if I’m a Christian.  I don’t like admitting that but it’s true.  A lot of people believe in God, even the devil does that.  A lot of people acknowledge Jesus Christ…… I know that there are a lot of Christians in this world who have no real sense of peace or assurance that they’re truly a Christian because I’m one of them, well not so much now, but there are still days……

The thing that comforts me is reading my Bible.  I think where people struggle is in that they don’t afford themselves the luxury of knowing God’s Word, of hearing his voice speak to them, of seeing His promises in front of their eyes.  I think it’s a result of not spending enough time with Him in prayer, in talking to Him about the things that truly rend their hearts.  Sometimes we want the quick fix to our problems, and we’re very quick to judge others and their actions and make our own conclusions, but I don’t believe God is quite so quick.  I believe He’s a little more patient with me than I am.  The Christian life is a process, it’s a transformation from what was, to is, to becoming what will be…. Yes, I have my struggles, as we all do, but I’m not giving up on becoming what I know God wants me to be, and I know that He didn’t give up on me.


2 thoughts on “A Thought on Struggling

  1. Deborah

    Wayne I love your honesty. We all struggle here I am sure.
    Being honest about it and receiving God’s words on ANY issue,
    is our best line of defense.
    Quite some time ago I confessed similar ideas to my BFF.
    Her comment was kind of snarky, but hit the target head on.
    “You mean you found out you’re human?”
    Ouch. Yes. And I don’t like it much. I’d rather be perfect.
    Since I’m not, “___________ But God”, works every time.
    -fill in the blank-
    Keep on writing!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s