It’s been a while since I last wrote a post. I know it’s been awhile because I can’t remember the last one I wrote, so I know it’s been too long. As for those of you who follow me, I want to say thank you for your patience, and I’m glad that you find something of value when you come here to read whatever it is I’ve published. I know that there are a number of you who have expressed a desire to see me write more of my own things, and to publish the writings of others less, no matter how great or worthwhile their writings may be or have been in the past.
Those of you who have been with me for a long time know that I’m not that forth coming when it comes to talking or writing about myself. There are a number of reasons for this, and while they’re all true, I don’t like any of them. The first is because I don’t like myself very much, and find it very difficult to see much in myself that is very likable or worthwhile. It’s not easy to write that, but to say anything less would be a lie, and as anyone who knows me knows I’m a terrible liar. I suppose one has to like something or at least see the advantage in doing something before one can be very good at it, and since I absolutely hate being lied to, and lying in general, it stands to reason I can’t pull it off with any degree of skill. For me lying is the equivalent to my being almost bald. You can see it for what it is, so it’s just easier to admit and live with the fact than to try and deny it.
Some people would probably say I suffer from low self-esteem. That’s what the world calls it, and that’s what I’ve had a number of people tell me is my problem. To be honest, low self-esteem is a label just like “Hines Ketchup” and “Budweiser” are labels. It’s descriptive of an attitude and a behavior, a thing, but labels only describe what can be seen; they’re not really indicative of what’s within. For that someone has to go further than just looking at the label. You really want to know what “Hines Ketchup” or “Budweiser” tastes like you have to open them up and taste them to know for sure what they are.
I know what the world calls it when someone has a low opinion of oneself. I have a hard time with seeing myself that way. I don’t think I suffer so much from low self-esteem as I suffer from a lack of understanding of what it is to know grace. For me, the way I feel about myself is a product of knowing who I am better than anyone else, except for God, and I can tell you from having lived with myself and having experienced the consequences of living with the things I’ve done that I have no right to feel good about myself.
In truth, all labels are misleading to a degree, and most of them are distortions, and are overly simplified explanations of things far more complicated than what they appear to be. People are labeled all the time, if not by others, by themselves, and very, very seldom does justice, honesty, or truth enter very far into any of the labels we use to describe others or ourselves. None of us have a truly accurate view of ourselves or others, and if there’s one great deception in this world, it’s in the fact that so many of us think that we do…
wayneaugden 
You write very well.
I suffered greatly from lack of self esteem. I suppose being abused for the first 22 years of my life, and being told, every day, usually a few times a day for about 10 years, that I was totally evil; that no one would ever want me, so I might as well do the world a favour and kill myself, contributed to that.
I struggled with it even after becoming a Christian, but the time came when in the early hours of one morning, several years later, when ‘flattened’ by a personal problem, the Lord actually took me in His arms and showed me how precious I am to Him.
Considering my Father God willingly gave His most precious to redeem me – considering my beloved Saviour willingly became sin for me – considering God poured out His wrath on my sin in His Son . . . well, I MUST be very precious to HIM!
I am nothing, but my Father God adopted me into His own family and made me a joint-heir with Christ. He changed my life completely. He has showered me with an abundance of blessings and is continuing His work in me. I am precious because of His work and I offend Him if I say I am not worth much.
What an amazing salvation!
What an amazing God!
Rom 5:19 For as by one man’s disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous.
1Ti 1:9 Knowing this, that the law is not made for a righteous man, but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and for sinners, for unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers,
1 Ti 1:12 And I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who hath enabled me, for that he counted me faithful, putting me into the ministry;
1Ti 1:13 Who was before a blasphemer, and a persecutor, and injurious: but I obtained mercy, because I did it ignorantly in unbelief.
1Ti 1:14 And the grace of our Lord was exceeding abundant with faith and love which is in Christ Jesus.
1Ti 1:15 This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief.
1Ti 1:16 Howbeit for this cause I obtained mercy, that in me first Jesus Christ might shew forth all longsuffering, for a pattern to them which should hereafter believe on him to life everlasting.
You have been forgiven! And according to Romans 5:19 because of Christ Jesus’ obediance you have been made righteous.
According to those scriptures, because all of yours and mines sins were put on Jesus at the cross you have every right to feel good about your self even if it doesn’t feel right to feel good about yourself. I pray that you receive the gift of grace. I could hold a very valuable, costly, golden nugget in my hand and reach out to give it to you, but if you clenched your fist behind your back I couldn’t give it to and I wouldn’t force it on you. God’s grace is a free gift that is priceless. My prayer is that you receive the righteous He bought for you and the grace he offers you.