It’s been a while since I last wrote a post. I know it’s been awhile because I can’t remember the last one I wrote, so I know it’s been too long. As for those of you who follow me, I want to say thank you for your patience, and I’m glad that you find something of value when you come here to read whatever it is I’ve published. I know that there are a number of you who have expressed a desire to see me write more of my own things, and to publish the writings of others less, no matter how great or worthwhile their writings may be or have been in the past.
Those of you who have been with me for a long time know that I’m not that forth coming when it comes to talking or writing about myself. There are a number of reasons for this, and while they’re all true, I don’t like any of them. The first is because I don’t like myself very much, and find it very difficult to see much in myself that is very likable or worthwhile. It’s not easy to write that, but to say anything less would be a lie, and as anyone who knows me knows I’m a terrible liar. I suppose one has to like something or at least see the advantage in doing something before one can be very good at it, and since I absolutely hate being lied to, and lying in general, it stands to reason I can’t pull it off with any degree of skill. For me lying is the equivalent to my being almost bald. You can see it for what it is, so it’s just easier to admit and live with the fact than to try and deny it.
Some people would probably say I suffer from low self-esteem. That’s what the world calls it, and that’s what I’ve had a number of people tell me is my problem. To be honest, low self-esteem is a label just like “Hines Ketchup” and “Budweiser” are labels. It’s descriptive of an attitude and a behavior, a thing, but labels only describe what can be seen; they’re not really indicative of what’s within. For that someone has to go further than just looking at the label. You really want to know what “Hines Ketchup” or “Budweiser” tastes like you have to open them up and taste them to know for sure what they are.
I know what the world calls it when someone has a low opinion of oneself. I have a hard time with seeing myself that way. I don’t think I suffer so much from low self-esteem as I suffer from a lack of understanding of what it is to know grace. For me, the way I feel about myself is a product of knowing who I am better than anyone else, except for God, and I can tell you from having lived with myself and having experienced the consequences of living with the things I’ve done that I have no right to feel good about myself.
In truth, all labels are misleading to a degree, and most of them are distortions, and are overly simplified explanations of things far more complicated than what they appear to be. People are labeled all the time, if not by others, by themselves, and very, very seldom does justice, honesty, or truth enter very far into any of the labels we use to describe others or ourselves. None of us have a truly accurate view of ourselves or others, and if there’s one great deception in this world, it’s in the fact that so many of us think that we do…